its been a long long while...a long time a comin

well its been a long time coming.. and its been a lil while since i wrote.
but somebody TOld me To uPdate this bitch. so I guess thats what im doin.

my thoughts have been pretty jambled lately.. im not quite sure whats been goin through this super large dome lately..
FUCK.FUCK FUCK FUCK. shit is sooo screwed right now. i was headed down the right path. i swear. and then. I FUCKED up.

I Guess my point for todays blog would have to be about life. LOve. and Planning things..

im the type of person that doesnt like to plan things. WHY? Because shit never goes the way its planned..
im the "Live FOr NOw" type of person.. The more i try to go out and plan the way i should live or how my future should be. the More things seem to go wrong.. i can only be me..Orginality. and that shit is hard these days. u dont find that too often. i admire that in other people i see.. i strive to be like anybody else but only myself.
not to many people are Original.. Like. ME. EVERYBODY wanna SUCK ME. why? get ur own shit bitches!!!

okay wait. back on track!
People are sooo worried about there life. Like lets make a life plan.. Have everything planned out.. exactly what happens in they 24 hour day. every day of the week for the next 30 years.
well tell me.. whats goin to happen if u get slightly off track. or if one little thing goes wrong. wtf u goin to do then? whats next in life??
STOP being so serious all the time. TRUST . its not a good lOok.. im not sayin lets all get loosy gooosy. but u know what i mean.. just chill let the good times roll.


The More i sit back and think about my future I have NO idea whats in store. and maybe thats my problem. i dont know where to go next .. or the next step im about to take.. i mean and im goin to walk n the kitchen.? or go to the toilet to take a shit??.. when all reality. i gotta walk through the kitchen to get to the toilet..

as long as you have faith you goin to get where u need to be. ur lifes always goin to end up the way GOD planned it to be. so stop worryin.. JUST HOPE.

like nonsense about people plannin babies on people.. or worryin about what job they goin to have. or what college they goin to go to.. in the end isnt it only important for you to be happy..or successful?? just be happy to get a job..to have a job to be alive.. strive for the best..
and if u dont make it that far. be happy for what u got!!!!

idk.

REAL CHICKEN TALK(BAHAH)
im just wrappin..
im done.. really.

build me UP.. Butter Cup Baby..

yup.. so..i dont know why im even fakin like i dont know why im so sad..i fuckin know... i need to stop playing the fool..
let me tell you a little something about me..
now. after i told you i dont want your number. and im not goin to give you mines..its for good reasoning.. after all the says i have been sitting here thinking.. wondering. sulking... being sad.. ive been going and going and gooing. just to end up in a circle ... to fuckin end up back where i started.. 5611 church fuckin road. my home.. thats where it all began..

everything grows.. thats what life is about your born.. u become a kid. play.. live your life so nonchalantly without the slightest care in the world....running.. playing..your imagination is wild...why cant we all just stay that way..things are better off that way...it seems like nothing goes wrong..the biggest thing you worry about is being in the house before the lights come on because its too dark and mommy is goin to beat that ass if you dont...or in my case.. because im scared somebody is goin to snatch me from my back yard which used to be nothing but a big ass field.. with animals running around and trees.. the good old country..

but then where did it all go wrong? you ask... Where is she going with this? you ask? .. well.. ill tell you...

being young and dumb, making stupid choices in life.. or.. maybe its genetics.. maybe it runs in the family..
lies.. cheat.. deceit... whats a girl like me to do??


worrying wondering.. whats next in life.. spending too much time to things that arent important then just sitting back and relaxing.. enjoying life now. as it is..
instead of what your plans are for tomorrow,
i used to live for everybody else.. never livin for what was most important.. and that was self happiness. you cant love other without loving yourself first.. and before i didnt realize that.. now i got a first hand glimpse of it.. im kinda sad it took me to have a child to understand that.. and more importantly.. im pissed it took damn near 10 months after i had a child to actually take full advantage of it..

Now its time for me to love me some me..its takin all this time.. and all that pain.. to build up.. and burst.. and now.. now that i let it out.. its time to really live.. the right way..

i never really been honest before.. not to others... not to ones i supposedly care for.. not to me..not to nobody.

so this is going to be hard...
but now its time.. time to start right..


_maryJane_
my life is like maryjane.. good while it last but in the long run wont do you anygood.
days go on and on and on.. the lies keep building up...like a fire inside.. each lie is like fuel..growing more and more for each one.. until the death of me..
where to begin.. how do u breathe? to much smoke.. cant see through the pain. breathing it in. taking it in..to marinate in it.. you dont know any better.is it happiness? bliss..YES. i love it.i say.. i love you.. i say.. and u believe me.. and i get what i want..but then when its over.. and were finished... you wish you had more.. and i wish u would go the fuck away..like a headache after the rush...

-VeNus FLy Trap-
.... i wonder again why im not happy...well.. let me tell you this ... im not honest..everything i onced told you was probably a lie..how couldu love a woman like me? you dont even know the real me. its like i live 2 lives... the good the bad..the sweet the evil... its like im living with a twin..an evil twin. out to stab me in the back.. i dont love you. so dont believe it when i say it.. and no your not the only one..when you speak. i laugh inside.. it tickles my soul...its funny that you think im real..its funny the way you look at me and cant decide if its love or lust.. well let me telll. you.
. its neither.hah..sucker..just another one to fall into my trap.. luck you.. must of been something about you that made me choose you.juicy maybe thats why...your one of the chosen ones.. and i only choose the best.. so dont take it to heart..get over it and move on..



wtf am i writing about? lls.. i really dont know. im just typing.. rambling.. hoping i make sense... am i writing about somebody? or something? is it me? am i lost?
fuckin prob...oh well..


i like not making sense.. makes me feel good..

jayden is sittin here in my lap being a brat fuckin all my shit up.. hes bout to get it..haha


im done not making any sensse for now

....

i dont even know what to think anymore.. really i dont..
i dont know what my problem is or where it came from. but i sure got one..

i decided to take a vow..
1. NO.. i dont want your number
2. Im Not going to give you mine
3.i dont want to be your friend..
4.dont waste my time.

i am no longer wasting my time on new people.. or even old people that are tryin to act brand new.
i been around forever now.. and now all of a sudden people tryin to act brand new.
i promise i dont want to be your friend.

im not doin that whole.. "lets get to know each other" thing... so forget that..
its all out the window now.
im not lookin for a relationship anymore.. i have gotten so acustomed to being single and lonely.. that it actually hurts my feelings tryin to be happy. im tired of lookin. im tired of waiting. im tired of all that.. i think i have come to realize that not everybody is meant to be in relationships.. or get married.. or any of that good stuff..some people are just made to be single...
God has his own blueprint for my life..he added other parts and left out that.. thats cool i guess.
the sooner i accept me and my self the better it will be....

i had a thought... i thought about deleting all my numbers out of my phone.. and the ones that would actually belong.. would appear... maybe as if by..... MaGic??..
but then i realized that magic doesnt exist..

but.. its a good idea. i still might doo it.. when i actually get the time.. or stop being afraid that im going to lose a number i may actually need in the future..
w.e
i dont care anymore
about you. your mom. your dog. your car. ur bitch. ur dude. your shoes..any of you. i really just dont give a flyyyyying FUCK!. ha.
SUCKA
..


SUCK ON THAT..





P.S... i know im talking ALOT about things i dont want..
but even if i contradict myself.. i will ALWAYS.. want that old thing back..


SUCK ON THATx 2! bitches.

Happy Crap day!!!

its fuckin Valentines day....what the heck..


so all day i have been doin nothing but been chillin with my lovely Veggie.. Oh.how i do love me some Veggie.. shes thegreatest.. WE face Jays.. Keep them Pearls..always.

today blows. and im not even fuckin worried about it.. it would bother me if i believed in love.. but that has nothing to do with me..
soo forget.. Lets party. thats what i like doin!!

i love my son.. period. so i take that back. he is the only one i love.
but..

this is crap day! so have funN!! Love ya!!

who am i?

who am i?....where do i come from? and how did i end up this way?is this my fault?? did i do something wrong? why am i so unhappy? thats all i want to be.. at least for once..just happy..Just make one right decision..

my eyes well.. my throat itches...and its hard to breathe..is it a break down? no. why cant i see inside? nobody can enter. dont get to close..im warning you.. or u will burn..headaches..heartpain..blurred vision..what do they call these? Tears? is that what they are?? they cant be.. its gotta be something different. AT least Once. LovE? No. thats not it..that doesnt even exist..is LOVE real? happiness.. the thought that somebody has unconditional love for you.. the way you have for them...whats that? i wouldnt know. Family? friends? ive heard them.. seen them in the near distance..but dont quite understand what they are saying..COME CLOSER....and i go.. walk slowly though..dont trip..your almost there!!...

THEn PAUSE..nope..not today... im to scared... i gotta go back..so i turn around and run..not this time..i cant let that barrier be broken..maybe one day..


Pain...thats the easiest emotion..oH it feels so good..i live it. breathe it..enjoy it. smell it.. if it isnt my tears.. Please Let it be somebody elses..YES!..i sit. im shaking..trembling..is it because i enjoy feeling pain?? or enjoy enflicting it on others?..am i crazy?..MAYBE...i think so..but who cares.. whats normal these days anyway...



*YOU* the devil. i hate you. i hate you soo Much..why?? why the FUCK did you make me this way? who gave you the right? YOUR not god.. your not even fuckin GREAT. your shit. scum..
you cry! i laugh! you hurt! i hate!.uuuuughh... you bother me. its because of you i have this pain. i cant sleep. i hate me. your my burden..my pain my sorrow. my life! u killed me.. you will be the death of me..

So this is what is like to be a blogger..

So this is what its like to be a blogger?? ..... i guess u can call it interesting..
its an easy way for myself to let go of the way that i feel inside..this may be a good release of all the emotions i have..
in fact writing feels pretty swell.. idk why i havent tried it more often..

as we speak cartoons are on and my sons on the floor sleeping. slobbing away.. now its my trme of freedom. I dont get to much of that anymore. so i better enjoy the time while i can.. He will be waking up soon. and back to mommy duty i go..

WOW. today has been a looong boring day.. already and its just barely 12 oclock..
what am i doin with my life? and why am i writing in YELLOW?....
who knows.. lets change that..


Whatever color u call this? idk.. Much better..


as this being my first blog.. i presume its goin to be very long... who knows i may get bored of this in the next 30 sec..
lets see..
...... a new color? what.. how did that happen??

... 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8...........30!!
yAY! its been 30 sec. and im not bored..

i mean.. lifes pretty hard right now.. im not really sure what to do withmyself. i want to go to college.. i want be away.. but i guess not everybody makes it that far.. i have made alot of mistakes but i wish i wouldnt get critized for every little thing that happens.. but eff it.. i guess thats just what they call life.. Right?
or is it? whats next to come for me?.. what does the lord have in store? idk..
i guess from now on ill just have to sit back and wait n see.. and write about it..

I told you guys he would be awake... so i got to make this short and sweet.
but ill be back..